One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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