i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
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