Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
