1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I don't deserve a penis
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
