I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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