I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
