dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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