ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
