I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
