Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
