i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Randomize
