How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
