If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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