U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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