How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
