You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
