There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
