tell your sister to shave her snatch
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
