Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Randomize
