I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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