He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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