You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
All I want is dick and wine.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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