I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
