The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
