I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
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