If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
