ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
