how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize