i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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