loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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