My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize