I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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