I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
