so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
