I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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