Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
