I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
