It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
