Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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