I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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