i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
