She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
