Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Randomize
