gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
