a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
We left the knife in your bed.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
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