How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
