nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
