i just made my gag reflex go away.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
