Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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