you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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