I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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