some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Randomize
