idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
