why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
