I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
