I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Randomize
