My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Randomize
