There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
