I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
is wine microwaveable?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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