So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
